I call myself an observer of people. And, when something interests me, I observe even more closely and keenly. The married Indian woman living in the US is unique in many ways. She adapts, falters and yet in the end thrives. I have lived in the US for just about 12 years now and in these 12 years have observed certain peculiarities about us. ‘Us’ – as in the married Indian woman living in the US of A.

I categorize our clan into groups. Of course, there are overlaps, but broadly speaking most of us fit into one of these. The first is of course the homemaker. Like so many of us who never dreamt of ever living the American dream…leave alone ever stepping out of India. The homemaker has moved to the US because of her husband. When she first moves here she is cautious. Cautious about the way she dresses, about what she says and her general overall demeanor. Soon, she gains in confidence. The sari or shalwar-kameez gives way to jeans and long skirts. A few more years of living here and she graduates to shorts and mini skirts. Irrespective of her age, the demure girl raised in small town India now after a few more years abandons all her cares and wears that off-shoulder dress. Irrespective of her age and how she looks she insists on wearing that oh so revealing dress.

Then there is the married Indian workingwoman in the US. Here is a person who is super efficient. She drives 30 minutes or more to work everyday. She’s trying to compete with her male counterparts at work. At home, she cleans the house, cooks for the children and husband, gets the kids’ home work done and even pushes herself to help her child in her science project.

Unfortunately, the story of some of these women doesn’t end here. After 10-15 years of marriage, she realizes that she is doing more than her share. She is earning as much as her spouse and is doing a lot more at home than he does. She is not getting any credit for it. Why should she not have some fun on the weekends? Why should she not be able to go out with her girlfriends? Why should she take sh… from her husband? This is the US – you do not get maidservants here to do your work. After a full day of work, why should she come home and be expected to do the cooking, dishes and laundry while he lounges around watching his favorite show? She rebels…sometimes to a perilous end to the sacred relationship. But who am I to condemn?

Amongst all this is a constant social pressure, which we all face at some point of time. With our confidence level rises in the country so does our social circle and with that comes unending lunches, dinners, teas, high teas and in-betweens. And in this unending saga of social commitments somewhere along the way we lose those good friends whom we would talk to for hours over the phone. The one we could tell our secrets to. (Now a whats app message or an FB post on their birthday seems to suffice). Yes, while we attend these marathon parties and social events (some in the name of charity) the true meaning of relationships seems to slip away from us. We suddenly realize that we have a great many acquaintances but we have lost the one true friend.

Then there is the third category one who is desperately trying to hold on to her roots. She cooks, she cleans and she takes pride in doing all of this. She is educated and talented and can probably go out there and get a well paying job but has chosen to stay at home or take up a part time job to raise her kids. She thinks, she questions and she doubts. These are her qualities but are also things that make her life extremely difficult. She grapples with the trials and tribulations of living in an alien country. While making it her own, she is trying to imbibe in her kids the culture and traditions that she has grown up with. This is the woman who would rather read a book than attend a social event, doesn’t want flowers for her birthday and puts her family before herself and her career. She is anxious, not about how much money there is in the bank, but if she is raising her child the right way.

Which category do you fit into? Think?