I made a promise and I’m keeping it – I had promised to share my weight-loss (and gain) and health journey. Being the procrastinator that I am, I’ve avoided sharing it. But after reading a blog post of a college mate (Nirupama Lal) who dares to discuss her struggle with lyme disease and the resultant depression, motivated me to share my journey. Here’s her blog post: lymenotes.

Sometimes I try to fool myself into thinking, I am not answerable to anyone, not even to MYSELF. How silly is that? Today I am forcing myself out of that lethargy 

Rewind: The year 2015. The month: November. We buy a new house. We are trying so hard to live the American dream. 

At this point, I am working out regularly, trying to eat healthy and have lost tons of weight. Here’s a blog post from back then. I am running 5ks, going to the gym 4 days a week and even maintaining a 1200 cal diet. What i don’t realize is that I look great but did I feel great? Not quite…With the responsibility of the move, I get totally thrown off.

I stop working out, start eating unhealthy and without knowing it my anxiety levels hit the roof. My husband, at this point is having job trouble and is much too occupied with getting his career sorted. But life has a way of working out…it always does. We buy the big house, the move goes off smoothly and my husband changes his job. Unfortunately, amidst all the brouhaha I ignore myself, my body and my mind.

Fast Forward: The year 2016. The month: March. We take a trip to India and right after our return is when I fall sick. I am sick like never before. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I can’t go on with my daily life. I feel a heaviness in my chest, like i can have a heart attack at that very moment. I cry at the drop of a hat. Anything I eat seems to give me heartburn. Sometimes the acid reflux is so bad that I clutch my stomach in pain for hours on end.

All this is accompanied with insomnia. I remember not being able to sleep for 4 nights straight. By the fifth night I am thinking, I’m going crazy. Every time it would become dark outside, I’d get even more anxious as I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

The next six months are hell. Doc visits, tests, waiting for test results, more invasive tests and procedures…finally after six months of being convinced I had some fatal disease and am dying, there is a diagnosis -I HAVE GERD. (Gastroeasophageal reflux disease).

The funny thing is my primary care physician had diagnosed it during my very first visit to him. I still had to undergo all the different tests and procedures for my own satisfaction. In doing so, I brought on more stress and anxiety which exacerbated my physical symptoms. “It is a vicious cycle that only you can break”, is what he said. It took me almost a whole year to realize how true he was.

October 2016: By this time I have lost more than twenty pounds and am a mental wreck. Then I find a gastroenterologist who helps me with a procedure called ballooning. Slowly but surely my weight goes back up and I am myself again. But even before I find this doctor who takes care of my physical symptoms, I deal with the mental and emotional toll myself. I consciously decide worrying is futile. I tell myself, even if I have the worst disease on earth, I am going to enjoy whatever time I have left. I will cherish and love all that I have. My family (my husband and son) are extremely supportive of my condition and virtually pull be out of the black hole that I am sinking in to.  Some friends turn out to be my guardian angels. I literally land up at their house whenever I’m feeling sick or down and they welcome me with open arms. Finally, after an enormous struggle, Lopa emerges victorious.

So now this is the mantra I live by – enjoy each day you are here. Cherish your loved ones and hold them close. This certainly doesn’t mean I don’t get depressed or anxious or upset. Of course I do. But every time I do, I make a concerted effort to calm myself down, force myself to smile and do things that I love and enjoy. Try to call and talk to a friend whom I love or watch a movie or read a book that I like.

I know there are many of you out there who are going through the same problems I did. You might not have the support I had or aren’t able to pull yourself out of the vicious cycle of physical and mental problems. I just want to let you know – you are NOT alone. No matter what you are going through, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Do things that make you happy. Force yourself to smile today and tomorrow you might wake up with a smile.