Microscopic view of Covid 19 virus

Yes, you read the heading right. The word crazy in the title is spelt WRONG….that’s because nothing these days seems right or correct. The world seems to have decided to go all wrong somehow. It ofcourse started with the virus and now everything…and I mean literally everything seems to take a turn downward. Be it natural disasters, political upheavals or social unrest. Name one country where things are normal…just one. I bet it will be very difficult. 

The turmoil around seems to have manifested in the turmoil within (at least for me). My body and mind seem to be going on a downward spiral since the end of March. I haven’t been able to think straight, leave alone write, for a while now. Having opened my laptop I write and rewrite the same sentence over and over again. I seem to be staring at the same screen for hours on end. In the end I give up.

My anxiety kicks in. I am unable to do all the things that I love. My thoughts are racing most of the time. I cannot concentrate. It becomes difficult for me to sit still let alone focus on things that make me happy. So —– no card-making, writing or reading for me has happened since the end of March till August. Since the virus shut us down.

March-August

Here’s what a typical day looks like for me from March till August. I wake up way earlier than my usual time with a palpitating heart. Sometimes even when it is dark outside. Imagine opening your eyes at 5 am in the morning feeling like you’ve just completed a vigorous workout????? Not a good feeling. My body refuses to move. I have to lie in bed with my eyes closed just to slow down my heart rate so that I can get up and take on the day. I guess this is what happens when you go to sleep reading and thinking about all the people either in the hospital or dying of a disease that the doctors don’t know how to treat and our bodies don’t know how to fight. Some days I go about doing my work like a robot, without thinking, on others, it is a massive chore just to get myself to make the morning tea.

The morning news brings more heartache – somany dead, so many hospitalized, WHO says this, CDC says that. Finally, I push everything aside to make the customary phone call to my mother who is thousands of miles away. She is 70, suffers from COPD and is in the high risk category. Yet, surprisingly she is the one bright spot in my mornings. Somehow, she takes everything in her stride. She always manages to convince me this too shall pass. 

But as the day progresses, I realise that this situation is here to stay. I see my husband grappling with the effects of the shutdown on his workfront. He is working 12-18 hour days. What little I overhear of his conversations about job losses, pay cuts and a bleak future can only heighten the feeling of despair 😦 . I try my best to set a routine, I try to workout, meditate and have a positive outlook but when one gets up to something dark and dreary every day, it becomes difficult. Knife attack in France, Hong Kong protests, Black Lives Matter protests and looting, the wildfires and people losing their homes as a result – just to name a few. When will the carnage end?

But even more than the big things. It’s the small things that get to you. Just simple things in life have become so difficult – Who would have thought one would be scared of going to the grocery store?  We don’t go anywhere anymore. Not even to the grocery store. Order groceries from instacart, sanitise the bags before getting them i. Wash the veggies and wipe down every box and carton with sani wipes. And then wipe all the surfaces that they might have touched. Just the task of putting away groceries takes up all morning. Ridiculous!!!

Enough is enough

I really don’t know what changes in August.  I can’t point to any one thing that makes me think differently. Maybe it is just me fed up of being scared. Enough is enough. After much difficulty, I pick myself up and decide to take charge back of my life and thoughts and force myself to enjoy the things I always did. Yes, thousands are sick and hundreds of thousands are dead but I am here now and each day is precious so might as well make the most of it. There is a glimmer of hope with treatment and a vaccine. Slowly and steadily I start getting back to reading and then to card making. Most importantly, I try to enjoy and be in the moment. To appreciate the people around me who give me strength, to love nature and most of all to thank god for everything we have, 

Even as I type today, I feel trepidation and fear about the future but try my best to pull myself out of sadness and see the light. I know some days will be worse than others but I will make a concerted effort to see the silver lining amongst all the dark clouds. On that positive note, I promise to come back….more often with my thoughts and feelings…and am hoping you will come on this undulating journey with me.

Ending here with HOPE!!! OVER and OUT!